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[ oh gods, hermione. he doesn't handle this type of affection very well. for so many years he'd been able to do as he pleased and be self-deprecating and snappy, severing any tie he could possibly make in a bid to protect himself from the disappointment that still consumes him today. he doesn't know how to deal with this. sometimes, the sentiment he craves is just too much for an idiot like him. ]

It's not a matter of me wanting them.

[ yes it is, luke. it all comes down to him wanting what he can't have — and purposefully keeping it far from where he could ever hope to reach it. ]

That's one big family, Marcia.

Brady Bunch. In case that's another thing you missed out on. But you should keep them. You sound pretty happy; pretty sure your dad will team up with me with his shotgun and my shovel if any boy comes near you.

[ he'd quote clueless, but he knows it'll go right over her head. add that to the list of things he must show her. ]

[ — and another slightly incestuous family. good job, luke. ]

You couldn't make it The Society of Pretty Incredible Elves? Spew gives off a pretty — uh. You know. One thing the business sense in me taught me is that every acronym should be something worth remembering. But the acronym doesn't really matter, in the end. Pretty sure my dad had a business called DOUCHE once. Delivering Other Universe's Crap: Heavenly Express.

[ She's not entirely unaware of the way that he deflects, especially when it comes to the way she's a little over-affectionate towards him. If she could show him what he meant to her without her embarrassing him or making him uncomfortable she would do it - but that's going to take some time. For now she just has to be herself and survive this somehow. ]

No, I suppose it isn't. But, you're right, I have no idea what the Brady Bunch is or who Marcia is. But I am happy, and you have nothing to worry about when it comes to boys. My honour is completely and utterly safe.

[ There is so much she needs to see, apparently. She wonders if she'll have the chance to do it. ]

No. SPEW is a perfectly good name, thank you very much. The main issue was that no one cared enough to even think about joining - it was awful. Is there something particularly wrong with DOUCHE? Is that a bad word?

The Brightest Witch of Her Age really needs to study up on pop culture.

[ who knows? something from the addams family might prove useful in battle. luke's certainly learned a couple of great tactics from tv and film and books. except ... it's not very useful here; he doesn't really know where to begin. so, he does with a laugh. ]

Dude.

There are so many things wrong with the word douche. What the hell do they teach you in that Hogwarts school of yours? Muggle Studies has let you down.

You can sign me up.

[ he really doesn't know he just sold away his soul. ]

There really wasn't much time for muggle films or television while I was running from a Dark Lord, you know. But I'm happy to be educated, if you have the time.

[ She wonders if there's been anything about magic and witches that she can laugh at, if there's any books brought to life with the power of technology... ]

I got more than 300% in my Muggle Studies exam, thank you very much, Luke Castellan, and I am muggleborn. I know things, just not future things.

[ But she has to swap to video for this, her eyes alight as she leans into the camera. ]

Really?

[ instead of being a pain in the ass, he follows her and switches from text to video. he's on his bed, lounging about, as he lies on his chest with the little red fox lying on his back as george and martha swing with one another on his linens. they're out of shot, save for a tail that occasionally tries to whip some part of luke. ]

Yeah, I'm an excellent teacher. 2009 — [ he whistles, gesturing okay with his index curving to this thumb, the other fingers left pointed up. ] — got that shit in the bag. Anything beyond, we'll have to ask George and Martha. They've seen more.

[ he's purposefully misunderstanding her. ]

[ Hermione is settled in the cot that serves as her bed, leaning against the wall as she grips at the locket. When he speaks she shakes her head, threatening to growl at him. ]

Don't be ridiculous, Luke, you know that isn't what I meant.

[ She swallows. He has no idea how important this is to her. ]

You'd really join SPEW?

[ he shrugs, ] Why not?

[ his business card could use member of spew on it. but it's important to hermione, right? he's joined a lot of dumb clubs in his years at camp. chris had started one for pokemon once. the stoll brothers had made one for nintendo cheats. even though he conned chris out of cards he wanted and ended up selling very vague and incorrect codes for cheating, he still joined them because they were important to his brothers. ]

[ He really has no idea what this means to her. No one in Gryffindor Tower had wanted to join and she had assumed Harry and Ron would because they're her friends. The very thought that she wouldn't be alone, that she would have someone that actually understands what she wants to do with this measure, this fight for equal rights... It makes her bite back her emotions. SPEW is so important to her and she can't really express it. ]

Thank you. Really.

[ what's another club to his name? he doesn't have much to it — there's a gravestone waiting for him back home and no business card he can pull out of his pocket. ]

You might want to consider a rename, though. Spew's not really going to get you many donations.

[ and in the background, george sings: ] 'Ey, Macarena!

[ luke looks at her with an unimpressed expression. ] And we're banning that song.

I like SPEW. It's been SPEW for years now.

[ Not happening, Luke. She loves her pet project. ]

Hi there, George.

[ She's grinning. ]

Can you really ban songs?

I can.

[ george appears in the background, shaking his head, before martha pulls him in for a spin off-camera. ]

[ luke looks annoyed. ] Do you know how many times I have to hear this damn song?

When I dance they call me Macarena!

[ with the book beside him, luke picks it up and tosses it blindly over his shoulder. it hits george, knocking him off his bed. ]

We can keep the name if we ban the Macarena.

I really can't imagine. I guess that it would get irritating after a little while.

[ She's trying to bite back the mixed emotions, though. She's so touched and she doesn't think that Luke really understands. All she has to do is focus. ]

Do I really have that much power? If I say the song is banned would George and Martha really listen to me? I know they're my pseudo parents, but...

Yes! Yes!

[ george appears right beside him. luke drops his face into the sheets as his two snakes take centre focus. ]

It's our wedding song.

You have enough power to get me a rat.

[ martha looks into the locket's camera, interested. luke hogs it all the time ... ] George, that's rude.

If I'm signing up for something, I want a rat.

[ with his head still bowed, his voice is muffled. ] But you don't have thumbs.

If I'm being someone's dad again, I expect a rat! [ nudging martha aside, he peers into the locket. ] I'll trade you this one for a rat. [ his tail points to luke, who is still trying to be swallowed by his linens. ]

I feel very powerful indeed, then.

[ Hermione can't stop herself from laughing, shaking her head as he watches them. She doesn't really remember much of the song but there's something that she's aware of. She loves them, the lot of them, and she shakes her head. ]

I'll get back to you on the rat, I promise, if you're nice to Luke and drop the song for a little bit. Is that a deal?

[ But -- ]

Dad, [ look at her joking. ], would you really trade Luke for one rat? Isn't he worth a little more than that?

[ as if a child scolded: ] Hermione!

[ george pouts, mulling over her proposal. anything for a rat ... he'd even trade luke for one! ]

Fine. [ looking at luke, he pokes him at the back of the head, assessing him. luke blindly swipes for him, missing him by an inch. ] Half a rat. I will go no higher.

[ luke lifts his head, staring hard at george's head. the snake smiles, as if he knows luke's glaring at him. ] Φύγε, Γιώργος.

You're worth more than a rat, dear! [ martha moves to kiss luke on the cheek. scrunching up his face, he lets her. grabbing george by the tail, she pulls him away from the locket. ] George takes his fatherly responsibilities very seriously. He's still very sensitive about Medusa. [ george sniffs, and luke rolls his eyes. ]

[ She can't help her laughter, lifting a hand to cover her mouth as she tries to smother it. He's ridiculous, they all are, and she is leans back as she lifts her legs to rest the locket against them. ]

I say at least three rats. Luke is worth quite a lot in my esteem, you know. I like him quite a lot, so I'll be trading something significant for him.

[ She doesn't quite understand the language, but that's fine. Martha comes into the camera and she grins, thumb brushing over the metal as she watches them. ]

He's a lovely father, I'm sure. I hope you don't mind being my mother, Martha, especially since you're pretty enough to be a sister.

[ Flatter the rats; that's how it works. She does love them, though, and she does mean it. ]

Oh, gods. [ luke snatches the locket away before martha can start preening and possibly kissing the screen again. he rolls, maia awakening and leaping off of him to thump onto the floor. he pulls himself off the bed and far from martha as she begins to make kissing noises. sitting on his couch, he peers around the edge to see martha slithering to george, asking him in greek why he never tells her how beautiful she is. ] Sometimes I think you only talk to me for her.

Or, maybe - [ She stands up, walking as Luke walks, heading down the stairs. She does have to get back to her potions work, after all, even if she does love talking to Luke and losing herself in his friendship. There's the sound of a wolfish yawn behind her as she walks by Padfoot and she just smiles. ] - maybe I flatter her and George because it gives me more time to talk to you, Luke.

[ oh, hermione, you sweet talker. of course, luke doesn't like the attention very much. why would she want to talk to him when she can be stealing martha away from her husband? ]

You're doing it wrong. They love attention. If you ignore them, they'll go away.

[ he's wrong — if they're ignored, they make a fuss. if they're given attention, they make a fuss. they're really embarrassing parents. ]

And that was Padfoot, right? You should let him sleep, Big Foot.

I never said I wanted them to go away. I only said I'm being nice to them because it means they won't mind so much when I steal you away.

[ She's still smiling even as she moves down to her basement, settling down to peek at her potions - the one she's been at for months, the luck potion, and her sleeping draughts. ]

He is sleeping! He's been asleep all day. He's a rubbish guard dog, really, but he's very good at hiding my books and socks.

[ it'd be unfair of him to say they won't care at all when they're the only parental figures who have. muttering: ] Think you're the only one they'd let me be stolen by. [ overprotective to a fault, it's new for luke to be restricted in such a manner. before? he could easily sneak away unnoticed. he's done it before — it's a habit he doesn't think he'll ever break. ]

[ he sits straighter, as if he can peer into the cauldrons himself. but with a grin, he focuses back on her. ] Books, huh? Maybe he wants you to read him a good story. George will offer to eat him if you say he's a poor guard dog any louder.

[ The only one. The thought of it makes her go pink - as if she could steal Luke when he's the master at all that sneaky things. Bowing her head, she bites back her smile and ignores the pull to say something more. It isn't the time, surely, and it's not appropriate. He doesn't need to know about those sorts of things. ] Well, that's nice of them. I'd treat you very well, you know.

[ She does some work, checking on them briefly, her voice almost absent before she refocuses on Luke and their conversation. ] Or maybe he just wants me to go to bed for once. I stay up reading far too late and he's starting to realise that it's a bit of a bad habit.

Pretty sure you'd feed me something that wasn't a rat. [ he pokes his tongue out, disgusted by the thought. george had offered him one once ... ]

[ arching his brow, he grins. ] Am I keeping you up?

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