I didn't have to serve her. Lots of people chose to be part of the court but do other things.
[ But it all sounds like silly, hollow excuses to her and she hesitates, feeling a little uncomfortable and uncertain. She shifts, pushing herself up, sitting up as best she can before she breathes out quietly and nods her head.
She's owned what she did in the past; now she has to move forward from it. ]
And you think that that would have changed anything? If you had stood up to her, do you think the outcome would have been different?
[Owning more than your own share of what happened is never good but he wants to know exactly how she feels about it, not just how she thinks she should feel about it. Those are not the same things.]
Those that die are generally the more lucky ones that they don't have to suffer the atrocities that happen after the initial onslaught. I know that may seem cold of me to think that, but I've seen the remnants of what happened to the city where I grew up after it was invaded and what happened to those that didn't make it out before the empire arrived and lasted through the first wave.
It's ugly. Those are the ones that suffer, and I imagine there were plenty.
I don't know what the outcome would have been. She might have trusted me, she might not, but surely my being punished was better than hundreds of people dying?
[ Frowning, she pushes her food away, her appetite completely gone - not that there was much there to begin with. ]
I know what it's like too, Ignis. I've seen what war does to people, both at home and in the Drabwurld. I lost my best friend, I made my parents forget about me, I lost so many friends and seeing what happens to the people that are left behind... It's awful. It's the worst thing, the worst feeling, that I've ever seen or felt. I understand, truly, I do.
[ But... She breathes out, closing her eyes. ]
I've done so many things, and hurt so many people. There's blood on my hands too, and I can't just ignore that or pretend that it's okay.
Maybe she would have and maybe she would not. There is no telling how another will reaction. And while you are only responsible for the actions of your choices, sometimes those burdens are tremendous. It's how you proceed that defines who you are.
[He watches as she pushes the pastry aware and is sorry for bringing up the topic of conversation since she's now not eating once again. Something he hopes he can remedy one day, but will not push her on.]
War makes us all do things we're not comfortable with and I never thought you some delicate day lily, Hermione. Nothing about you says that to me. And I must admit that I admire that strength in you.
[ Hermione breathes out, shaking her head. It's not really a matter of strength, is it? She's never been able to really come to terms with her own guilt and the problems she caused, no matter how hard she tried. She's never been able to forgive herself for it either, and she thinks of a lioness with blood on her maw and she thinks of the death of the people she loved, the loss of her friends, travelling in time, fighting and fighting and never feeling like enough...
Leaning back in her chair, she breathes out.
Sometimes, she thinks to herself, she forgets that she's barely into her twenties. She should be dead, probably, and it's mostly determination, knowledge and sheer luck that's kept her alive. Despite her youth, though, she feels old, ancient, somehow, and she doesn't quite know how to express it. ]
It's not the only thing you wanted to talk about, though, is it? [ Tilting her head up, she watches Ignis, attention set on him, unwavering despite her reluctance to admit her own strength or her lacking desire to eat. ] None of it will be particularly nice to hear about, but if you have more questions...
We are always the worst judges of ourselves. You have strength. It might not be physical, but your mind and your will are... palpable. Especially after having seen your memories of the other world.
[He closes his eyes and and takes a deep breath.]
I am not some innocent child who has never taken a life. I cannot see myself truly being able to relate to someone who is like that anymore. I would be too far removed.
And while this is not the only thing I wanted to talk to you about, it is the most important, but only because you seem to think that no one can see that part of you and not see the rest of you. It isn't true and I am not a small-minded man that I cannot see beyond that.
I've always done my best to... Be the best that I can be. It might not have always worked, but I did put in the effort. I... I always tried, with everything that I had.
[ Maybe she hadn't always been successful, but hadn't she always tried? She put so much into her home, her world, and now... ]
I wasn't calling you small-minded in the least. It's just something that can change the way people see you, and I know that. I'm aware that knowing some of the things I've seen and done will change how you view me, and I'm learning to be okay with that.
[ She doesn't want to give up her friendship with him, after all. She was determined. ]
It's true that knowing more about a person can change how one sees the other.
[He can't deny that one bit, but it's also a worry that he has. He knows that he's not as exciting as Gladio, as kind as Prompto, or a prince like Noctis. He also knows that titles and positions hold no place with Hermione. But it's still a worry, nonetheless.]
Perhaps what you're saying is that you see me differently and hope that I feel the same way so that we don't have to continue meeting and talking?
[ Her eyes widen and she stares at Ignis for a moment before she shakes her head. ]
No, that's not it at all!
[ Leaning forward, in earnest, she breathes out. ]
I've spent a long time trying to be - be more than what I was. It's been years, a long time, and people... I just want to be me, but I feel as though I can't do that or people will see all the nasty, loathsome things too. I've been so scared that when people see the bad things they'll turn their back on me. [ Like Harry did. ] I never had very many friends, you know, and the idea of losing the ones I have... It's one of the most frightening things in the world.
[ She's already lost so many people; she doesn't want to lose him, too. ]
[He doesn't interrupt her passionate words about herself. It's hard enough to get her to talk about anything personal sometimes.
But the same could be said about himself.]
I am not so different in that respect. My group of friends has always been confined to Noctis and those around him. It wasn't until we arrived here that I actually considered the idea that associating with those not attached to Noctis in some way wouldn't impede my duties.
So, you see, I am not so quick to judge a person on their past unless they keep me from assisting Noctis or are in his way.
And you have, if anything, done nothing but offer to listen to me and help me learn about our situation here. I see no reason to stop our friendship because of what you had to do in a situation I have no right to judge you on.
[Because, let's be real, he would have done the same thing. Although, he would have tried to persuade Noctis not to do anything dangerous in the first place, but Noctis was easy for him to read and not known to be cruel to those in his employ. Just annoying sometimes.]
[ Hermione doesn't know what to do with herself, and she wonders what she should say even as her eyes dart down and she closes her eyes. ]
No. I don't want to do anything to upset you, or Noctis. I want people to be happy here. I don't think that's too much to ask. I know it's not the best place to be with everything that's happening and all the things that happen to us, but there's good, too, isn't there? I mean... We've met so many wonderful people.
[ Bowing her head again, Hermione breathes out. ]
Seeing my memories play out like that... Ignis, I... I wasn't happy. I wasn't comfortable. I didn't want anyone to know those awful things about me, but... But if you're okay with knowing them then I can be okay, in the end.
Then you and I are in agreement. I only wish for others to be as happy as they can without stopping others. But that means you as well. Aside from those from my own world, you are one of the few that I consider...a friend.
[He pauses because he does consider her a friend, but the word feels inadequate. Not quite....everything. However, he's not going to sit here and examine his every motivation with a fine-toothed comb either. Not yet.]
I will be honest and say that seeing them wasn't easy for me, but I think that you having them viewed by others is probably harder. [He huffs out a breath.] It's not as if I wanted everyone to paw through my own memories either.
You're my friend too, Ignis. I'm sorry that things haven't been... Easy lately. I... [ It's hard. It feels like her throat is closing up and her stomach is in knots. ] It's not easy to talk about the things that happened to me there, because it's better to pretend that everything is fine.
[ It's so hard, she thinks, and she bows her head, feeling herself get smaller and smaller. ]
I didn't want to go digging around. I tried my best not to. I'm sorry if I was too nosey, or if I poked my nose where I shouldn't have. [ She does look up again, finally, though. ] Is... Was there anything else you wanted to know?
While I understand the appeal of pretending that everything is fine, I fear that I'm far too practical to be able to engage in that. Things are awkward between us because we've seen things about the other that we weren't really given much choice about.
I appreciate the chance to get to know you better, and vice versa, but the lack of consent makes this fairly uncomfortable for us both.
[His words sort of sum up the problem they've found themselves in, but then there's more to it than that.]
I would like to know more about the world where you're originally from if that's not too much to ask. None of...what I saw focused on that.
No. I appreciate that. It's happened to me before - nightmares on the network, and shared memories in a big, green mountain. I suppose I should be used to the feeling, but it's not something you get used to. It's something you get over.
[ Sharing parts of herself with other people - it's not just something she's comfortable with anymore. She had given so much of herself away, time and time again, and she's not sure how to undo the knots in her stomach anymore.
At least Ignis gives her an out, and she nods her head. It's easier to focus on the home she's lost forever than the one she's left behind; it's nostalgic rather than sad. ]
I'm from a country called Britain, on my own version of Earth. I went to school at a place called Hogwarts, and I fought in a war to make sure that hundreds of innocent people didn't die. That's where... [ She glances down at her wrist; the bleeding scar she had hated. ] It wasn't all bad, but it wasn't all good, either.
[It's not as if it's something he's going to stop being curious about, but tact dictates that pushing her further would only be a hindrance to their relationship, whatever that might be.]
What was this school like? I only know second-hand from Noctis and Prompto, since I was privately tutored as a child.
[Get a little and give a little. That's how this is supposed to work, right?]
I'm not really sure you could call my school anything normal, so it might not be a good comparison.
[ It was a magical school, after all, and Hermione settles herself down and makes herself a little more comfortable. ]
Students go there from ages eleven to seventeen and study how to use their magic, different spells, techniques and areas of study. There were classes like Herbology and Potions that used planets to create other magical things and then things like Transfiguration and Charms that was the practical use of spells and your wand to make things happen.
It doesn't sound anything like the school that Noctis and Prompto attended, that's true, but it does sound fascinating. Eos is not a planet where everyday citizens can access magic so an entire school dedicated to the study of such seems as if it would be an interesting experience.
[The fact that he can use magic is a different story.]
What do children do before the age of eleven for education? How do they learn the basics?
It was a school devoted to learning magic, so I think it worked in a way completely different from everyone else's. It was wonderful all the same, though, and I don't think I'll ever forget the things that I learned there.
[ But, ah. How to put this... Politely, she thinks. ]
That depended on your background. If you had magical parents you might have been homeschooled and taught a little bit about magical theory, but if you didn't, like me, you might have gone to a non-magical school.
[ His question almost makes her laugh, though, and she has to stop herself, worrying her lip between her teeth. ]
Most people without magic don't realise that it's real. If you're from a non-magical family they might know, but the majority of the population has no idea that witches and wizards are real. [ Her fingers press into her wrist awkwardly. ] It's the other way that's been the problem - the magical dealing with people from non-magical families.
[And, yet, he has a greater idea than she knows. He hasn't addressed just why the Empire was after Lucis. He's not sure he's ready to do so yet.]
How is it that magical people keep their presence hidden? I can't see that anything they do would be foolproof. There are some incidents surely.
[He notices the way she seems to fuss with her own wrists and has to resist the temptation to stop her from doing so. She is a grown woman and he isn't entitled to take many liberties with her person.]
What sort of trouble have you seen? You mentioned a war from your home world. Is that part of it?
[She's not the type to casually mention something like that he's not likely to miss the threads that need to be connected.]
[ Hermione doesn't want to talk about the bad and awful things, but she knows they're a part of her life now. She can't just undo them. ]
It's just part of the law. People don't think magic is real so they're prepared to shrug things off as tricks of the light or what we might call fake magic. It's just easier than trying to believe that it might exist.
[ Breathing out, Hermione shakes her head, closing her eyes. ]
It was a huge part of it. There was a wizard, called Voldemort - [ and the name sounds a little strangled on her lips ] - who decided that anyone born from muggles deserved to die. Lots of people agreed with him, and we went to war because of it. He wanted to be the best, the strongest, the only one, and... He wasn't.
Exactly. When I was little I thought all the things I was doing was just coincidence or a trick of my mind - I never really considered that it was magic.
[ It is very small, but it got much, much larger as she got older, and not always in the best of ways. ]
Muggle means people without magic. So anyone who had parents that weren't magic, or a single parent that wasn't from a magical family. He preferred... Purebloods.
no subject
[ But it all sounds like silly, hollow excuses to her and she hesitates, feeling a little uncomfortable and uncertain. She shifts, pushing herself up, sitting up as best she can before she breathes out quietly and nods her head.
She's owned what she did in the past; now she has to move forward from it. ]
They didn't just suffer, Ignis. They died.
no subject
[Owning more than your own share of what happened is never good but he wants to know exactly how she feels about it, not just how she thinks she should feel about it. Those are not the same things.]
Those that die are generally the more lucky ones that they don't have to suffer the atrocities that happen after the initial onslaught. I know that may seem cold of me to think that, but I've seen the remnants of what happened to the city where I grew up after it was invaded and what happened to those that didn't make it out before the empire arrived and lasted through the first wave.
It's ugly. Those are the ones that suffer, and I imagine there were plenty.
no subject
[ Frowning, she pushes her food away, her appetite completely gone - not that there was much there to begin with. ]
I know what it's like too, Ignis. I've seen what war does to people, both at home and in the Drabwurld. I lost my best friend, I made my parents forget about me, I lost so many friends and seeing what happens to the people that are left behind... It's awful. It's the worst thing, the worst feeling, that I've ever seen or felt. I understand, truly, I do.
[ But... She breathes out, closing her eyes. ]
I've done so many things, and hurt so many people. There's blood on my hands too, and I can't just ignore that or pretend that it's okay.
no subject
[He watches as she pushes the pastry aware and is sorry for bringing up the topic of conversation since she's now not eating once again. Something he hopes he can remedy one day, but will not push her on.]
War makes us all do things we're not comfortable with and I never thought you some delicate day lily, Hermione. Nothing about you says that to me. And I must admit that I admire that strength in you.
no subject
[ Hermione breathes out, shaking her head. It's not really a matter of strength, is it? She's never been able to really come to terms with her own guilt and the problems she caused, no matter how hard she tried. She's never been able to forgive herself for it either, and she thinks of a lioness with blood on her maw and she thinks of the death of the people she loved, the loss of her friends, travelling in time, fighting and fighting and never feeling like enough...
Leaning back in her chair, she breathes out.
Sometimes, she thinks to herself, she forgets that she's barely into her twenties. She should be dead, probably, and it's mostly determination, knowledge and sheer luck that's kept her alive. Despite her youth, though, she feels old, ancient, somehow, and she doesn't quite know how to express it. ]
It's not the only thing you wanted to talk about, though, is it? [ Tilting her head up, she watches Ignis, attention set on him, unwavering despite her reluctance to admit her own strength or her lacking desire to eat. ] None of it will be particularly nice to hear about, but if you have more questions...
no subject
[He closes his eyes and and takes a deep breath.]
I am not some innocent child who has never taken a life. I cannot see myself truly being able to relate to someone who is like that anymore. I would be too far removed.
And while this is not the only thing I wanted to talk to you about, it is the most important, but only because you seem to think that no one can see that part of you and not see the rest of you. It isn't true and I am not a small-minded man that I cannot see beyond that.
no subject
[ Maybe she hadn't always been successful, but hadn't she always tried? She put so much into her home, her world, and now... ]
I wasn't calling you small-minded in the least. It's just something that can change the way people see you, and I know that. I'm aware that knowing some of the things I've seen and done will change how you view me, and I'm learning to be okay with that.
[ She doesn't want to give up her friendship with him, after all. She was determined. ]
no subject
[He can't deny that one bit, but it's also a worry that he has. He knows that he's not as exciting as Gladio, as kind as Prompto, or a prince like Noctis. He also knows that titles and positions hold no place with Hermione. But it's still a worry, nonetheless.]
Perhaps what you're saying is that you see me differently and hope that I feel the same way so that we don't have to continue meeting and talking?
no subject
No, that's not it at all!
[ Leaning forward, in earnest, she breathes out. ]
I've spent a long time trying to be - be more than what I was. It's been years, a long time, and people... I just want to be me, but I feel as though I can't do that or people will see all the nasty, loathsome things too. I've been so scared that when people see the bad things they'll turn their back on me. [ Like Harry did. ] I never had very many friends, you know, and the idea of losing the ones I have... It's one of the most frightening things in the world.
[ She's already lost so many people; she doesn't want to lose him, too. ]
no subject
But the same could be said about himself.]
I am not so different in that respect. My group of friends has always been confined to Noctis and those around him. It wasn't until we arrived here that I actually considered the idea that associating with those not attached to Noctis in some way wouldn't impede my duties.
So, you see, I am not so quick to judge a person on their past unless they keep me from assisting Noctis or are in his way.
And you have, if anything, done nothing but offer to listen to me and help me learn about our situation here. I see no reason to stop our friendship because of what you had to do in a situation I have no right to judge you on.
[Because, let's be real, he would have done the same thing. Although, he would have tried to persuade Noctis not to do anything dangerous in the first place, but Noctis was easy for him to read and not known to be cruel to those in his employ. Just annoying sometimes.]
no subject
No. I don't want to do anything to upset you, or Noctis. I want people to be happy here. I don't think that's too much to ask. I know it's not the best place to be with everything that's happening and all the things that happen to us, but there's good, too, isn't there? I mean... We've met so many wonderful people.
[ Bowing her head again, Hermione breathes out. ]
Seeing my memories play out like that... Ignis, I... I wasn't happy. I wasn't comfortable. I didn't want anyone to know those awful things about me, but... But if you're okay with knowing them then I can be okay, in the end.
no subject
[He pauses because he does consider her a friend, but the word feels inadequate. Not quite....everything. However, he's not going to sit here and examine his every motivation with a fine-toothed comb either. Not yet.]
I will be honest and say that seeing them wasn't easy for me, but I think that you having them viewed by others is probably harder. [He huffs out a breath.] It's not as if I wanted everyone to paw through my own memories either.
no subject
[ It's so hard, she thinks, and she bows her head, feeling herself get smaller and smaller. ]
I didn't want to go digging around. I tried my best not to. I'm sorry if I was too nosey, or if I poked my nose where I shouldn't have. [ She does look up again, finally, though. ] Is... Was there anything else you wanted to know?
no subject
I appreciate the chance to get to know you better, and vice versa, but the lack of consent makes this fairly uncomfortable for us both.
[His words sort of sum up the problem they've found themselves in, but then there's more to it than that.]
I would like to know more about the world where you're originally from if that's not too much to ask. None of...what I saw focused on that.
no subject
[ Sharing parts of herself with other people - it's not just something she's comfortable with anymore. She had given so much of herself away, time and time again, and she's not sure how to undo the knots in her stomach anymore.
At least Ignis gives her an out, and she nods her head. It's easier to focus on the home she's lost forever than the one she's left behind; it's nostalgic rather than sad. ]
I'm from a country called Britain, on my own version of Earth. I went to school at a place called Hogwarts, and I fought in a war to make sure that hundreds of innocent people didn't die. That's where... [ She glances down at her wrist; the bleeding scar she had hated. ] It wasn't all bad, but it wasn't all good, either.
no subject
What was this school like? I only know second-hand from Noctis and Prompto, since I was privately tutored as a child.
[Get a little and give a little. That's how this is supposed to work, right?]
no subject
[ It was a magical school, after all, and Hermione settles herself down and makes herself a little more comfortable. ]
Students go there from ages eleven to seventeen and study how to use their magic, different spells, techniques and areas of study. There were classes like Herbology and Potions that used planets to create other magical things and then things like Transfiguration and Charms that was the practical use of spells and your wand to make things happen.
no subject
[The fact that he can use magic is a different story.]
What do children do before the age of eleven for education? How do they learn the basics?
no subject
[ But, ah. How to put this... Politely, she thinks. ]
That depended on your background. If you had magical parents you might have been homeschooled and taught a little bit about magical theory, but if you didn't, like me, you might have gone to a non-magical school.
no subject
How do non-magical people feel about those who do have the ability to use magic living among them?
no subject
[ His question almost makes her laugh, though, and she has to stop herself, worrying her lip between her teeth. ]
Most people without magic don't realise that it's real. If you're from a non-magical family they might know, but the majority of the population has no idea that witches and wizards are real. [ Her fingers press into her wrist awkwardly. ] It's the other way that's been the problem - the magical dealing with people from non-magical families.
no subject
How is it that magical people keep their presence hidden? I can't see that anything they do would be foolproof. There are some incidents surely.
[He notices the way she seems to fuss with her own wrists and has to resist the temptation to stop her from doing so. She is a grown woman and he isn't entitled to take many liberties with her person.]
What sort of trouble have you seen? You mentioned a war from your home world. Is that part of it?
[She's not the type to casually mention something like that he's not likely to miss the threads that need to be connected.]
no subject
It's just part of the law. People don't think magic is real so they're prepared to shrug things off as tricks of the light or what we might call fake magic. It's just easier than trying to believe that it might exist.
[ Breathing out, Hermione shakes her head, closing her eyes. ]
It was a huge part of it. There was a wizard, called Voldemort - [ and the name sounds a little strangled on her lips ] - who decided that anyone born from muggles deserved to die. Lots of people agreed with him, and we went to war because of it. He wanted to be the best, the strongest, the only one, and... He wasn't.
no subject
[But what a sad, small world that must be. Even if it's one Hermione comes from.]
So, this man was prejudiced against those from what? I've never heard of that word, muggle.
[Alien boyfriend is alien, remember?]
no subject
[ It is very small, but it got much, much larger as she got older, and not always in the best of ways. ]
Muggle means people without magic. So anyone who had parents that weren't magic, or a single parent that wasn't from a magical family. He preferred... Purebloods.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)